Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Thursday
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards