Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
i smell a pulitzer
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.