Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
You Might Also Like
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Can you solve the riddle??
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
In banana years, I am bread.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
We’ve come full circle
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.