Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that