Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

You learn something every day

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/