Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Need WebMD

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.