Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms