pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
sin harder.
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The Friday File.
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Oh boy, $150,000!
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life