Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.