Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
new wife guy just dropped
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
🤣
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
titanic
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.