Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Saturday

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

I love it all

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign