Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer