Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.