Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.