Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Love this one 😂🧟
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it