pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.