Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Day 2 of my diet
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money