Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
i feel so bad i refunded him
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon