Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sharon I have some bad news
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“you changed” bro i was 15
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
this is uni
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”