Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
my proudest tweet
Yup….perfect score!
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot