Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”