Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
me as a parent
Well, this is awkward
