Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.