Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
