Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
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My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
So creative 😂