Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.