pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
You Might Also Like
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
my professor scared me for a second
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Lmao 🤣
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
so, is there a mister shapen head
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!