pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*