Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan