Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The internet is magic sometimes.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*