Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.