Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
asking santa clause for nudes
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Breaking news:
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
If you know, you know
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Let’s Go
