Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
*puts words between two asterisks*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.