pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.