pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.