Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.