Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

I feel seen

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]