Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.