Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You Might Also Like
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
you’re damn right i have
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.