Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!