Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
You Might Also Like
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
#Caturday
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?