…..pretty much.
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
She puts the hot in psychotic
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no