…..pretty much.
You Might Also Like
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
#damn
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Happy thanksgiving
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
He just like my cat fr
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him