Pretty much. 🤣
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?