Pretty much. 🤣
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.