Pretty much! 😂👀
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
What personal space?
My dog
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.