Pretty much. 🤣
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’ve had relationships like this
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.