Pretty much. 🤣
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time