Pretty much. 🤣
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”