Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”