Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
You Might Also Like
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?