Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.