#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.