Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.