Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]