Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Thank heavens for community notes
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79