Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!