Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

You might just have to resign…

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.