Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug