Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.