Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.