Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

definitely did not do anything wrong

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.