Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.