Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I wanna be friends with this person
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.