Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

ㅤ

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”