Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

those birds must be on payroll

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑