Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Does this dress make me look cat?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly