Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Very problematic
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”