Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on