Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?