Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.