Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time