Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Taliband
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My teenage children choosing violence
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]