Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
when someone compliments me
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall