Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.