Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys