Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Discuss

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

One cake enters. No cake leaves.