Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.