Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

This will teach them to underestimate me

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.